Is it me or is the first work day after the company Holiday Party the most awkward day of the calendar year?  Typically, the level of Absolut (not a typo) awkwardness varies but is highly dependent on leadership’s decision to provide an open bar for the employees. And it is even more awkward depending on said individuals alcoholic consumption of open bar beverages sans the soft drinks and H2o.
The mix (pun intended) of low-level employees ( the ones that actually do the work and I hate this term!), supervisors ( the ones that think they don’t have to do the work), managers (the ones that delegate the work because they don’t know how to do it themselves) and leadership (the ones that use their spare time at work to write new posts in WordPress the company’s newsletter is quite a volatile combination to say the least. Alcohol pretty much levels the playing field as office hierarchy is thrown out the window for one brief and glorious moment on a  magnificent night called the company Holiday Party (formerly known as the Christmas Party). For brevity purposes we will refer to this event as the, HP.
I’ve attended many such HP’s over the years and they all seem to have this fuzzy, Walking Dead, The Hangover, what the hell just happened kind of feel on the first workday back. It doesn’t matter whether the party was held during the week, on a Friday or on a Saturday the aftermath of the first workday is always the same, WTF! So now that I’ve sobered up, I’ve decided to prepare my Top 10 WTF things that happen on the first work day after the company HP in no particular order:
- You can always tell who “hooked up”. The couple usually hides on the side of the building smoking Marlboro Lights with the paranoid look on their faces that screams, what the hell do we do now!
- The guy with the hottest trophy wife at the HP walks with more pep in his step as all the employees stare at his package and give him the nod of approval.
- There are new, totally random cliques made up of multiple classification levels of employees. They now share a common bond of alcohol abuse.
- There’s always the one leader everyone loses respect for. Well, at least that’s what all the emails say…
- There’s the Human Resources employee that gets pulled over at about 3am and decisively fails the police Field Sobriety Test. He/She is never to be seen again.
- Immediately, Human Resources holds an emergency 8am conference call to plan next year’s nonalcoholic event.
- Marge, the 65 year old Accounts Payable Analyst on the verge of retirement in 20-years is now BFF’s with the muscle-bound, freshly graduated, 24 year old stud from the Treasury department. Marge was overheard asking Treasury boy, “who’s your mommy now?” (refer to #1?).
- The Administrative Assistant who wore the shortest and most revealing dress gets a random promotion, merit increase and spot-bonus, with only two months on-the-job experience. She is now authorized to approve all hiring decisions and plan the corporate budget which includes next year’s party.
- Coffee Consumption increases. Lunch hour is now two hours. And the day ends at 3pm (refer to #4).
- I thank God they no longer call it the “Christmas Party” because Christ had nothing to do with it. He was the furthest person from any ones mind on that illustrious night.
There’s definitely a movie to be made in this, somewhere. I’d love to hear your HP stories?
Mortimer George Creations 
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